trump-inspired excerpts from

‘rewritten rewrites’

It isn’t Winter till it’s white, nor Summer till it’s warm at night, nor Fall till sweaters are the thing, nor Spring until the Cardinals sing. I've yet to hear the Cardinals sing. I’ve heard, this year, there’ll be no Spring, no Summer, too, just Fall, and that Trump, to move some sweaters, is the force behind it all. This seemed to me a tad extreme, a nutsy, twisted point of view, till Trump declared it wasn’t so, confirming it was true.


Not long after listening to Melania Trump explain away those ill-chosen words on the back of her coat, I was strolling along Yonge Street, my mind adrift, and stepping suddenly into my path, this big guy in a red MAGA cap pointed at my “FUCK TRUMP” t-shirt and said, “I don’t like your message.”

I was prepared. “There’s no message,” I said, “simply nine letters aesthetically arranged on a black t-shirt. The words they form are of no relevance—it’s the relationship of each letter to each other letter and of each to the whole that matters.”

He looked ready to punch me in the mouth, so I told him I was only joking, that, in fact, to heighten its impact, all punctuation had been dropped and “FUCK TRUMP” was meant to be read as “FUCK!!! TRUMP!!!”—like there were 3 exclamation marks after each word—as in response, for instance, to who gets the biggest crowds, or has the best words, or the hugest brain. There were a multitude of choices, I said.

He brightened immediately and we bumped fists. Then, after feeling the sleeve of my shirt to gauge its quality, he asked where he could get one just like it. I told him and said he wouldn’t be sorry, that it was a very comfortable, well-made shirt. Plus, it would really set off his hat. He agreed and said he might order a bunch for his friends, as well. I gave him a thumbs up.

2020—it pleases both the eye and the ear and prompts thoughts of perfect vision, which those in the vision business will no doubt be capitalizing on in the coming months—any day, now, rolling out their 2020 Vision ad campaigns. They may already have begun petitioning to have 2020 declared The Year of Perfect Vision.

Others will capitalize, too. I’m imagining Trump, a month or so from now, blathering away to a congregation of red-capped believers in an arena, claiming there’s never been an American President in the entire history of mankind with vision like his.

"Abe Lincoln, George Washington, Daniel Boone—none of them had vision like mine," he boasts.

"20/20 vision? No big deal, people. My vision is 80/80—four times 20/20! Four times! How many people can say that? One in a billion? One in a trillion? Who knows. Probably one in a trillion. And you know what? It gets better every day. You wouldn't believe what I can see!"

He makes binoculars with his fists and scans back and forth across the crowd. Some are laughing. A guy near the back ducks out of sight.


the t-shirt

2020, day one